8 letters, 3 words, 1 meaning

‘Who are you?’ and ‘What do you want?’ are so appropriate to me right now. I had Christopher over and we talked after dinner and west wing. We’re friends… now. Tonight was the second time in as many months that someone has said “I.L.Y.” to me and I wasn’t able to say it back. I had never envisioned hearing that from someone when I couldn’t repeat it.

I don’t know how to describe what I’m feeling right now. He confronted me about my feelings and I caved.. because I feel that my feelings aren’t as strong for him as his are for me. The fact that I have feelings for him still befuddles me. I didn’t want him to leave, I didn’t want to shut the door, I stood and watched him through the peephole until he left and then sat around like an idiot as if he might come back. I understand the concept of don’t know what ya got til its gone, but damnit, I don’t know if its that I’m incapable of love, or incapable of loving him. If its the former, why am I so upset? If its the latter then why am I so FUCKING upset? I haven’t stopped crying since he left. I agreed to allow him time by not contacting him and I already regret it.

What’s wrong with me? I let my history affect my present. I have become so distrustful of relationships that I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Then things reach critical mass and by then its too late to go back. With Christopher there was no other shoe. He’s kind, funny, witty, caring and compassionate… and I’ve fucked that up. And I can’t just blame that on me losing my job, though I do know that it makes me feel less like an adult for some reason, like I’m unworthy. I sought comfort, and he gave it. He sought passion, and I gave what was expected rather than what came naturally. So why am I now struggling NOT to pick up the phone and call him?

I’m not ok, and I don’t feel like I’m going to be.

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