Back to Black

12/3/06 21:15Amy Winehouse and a case of wine probably would have been a good mix last night. I got home the usual time after a side-trip to two Radio Shack stores to pick up a graphics card that the site said each store had in-stock and that I’d seen there just over a week ago with my own eyes. Both stores — nada. The displays had changed and the employees were extremely unhelpful. I long for a normal local computer store that focuses on computers, not that tries to sell HDTVs and maybe has a computer section in the back. Yes, if I had a car I would have just gone to Micro Center and found just what I needed I’m sure, but is it wrong to want more options than getting wheels and trucking out to Virginia?

So anyway, I get back home a little proud of myself for the extra walking even if it came to no result and I set out some sausages I picked up at Trader Joe’s to make that night for dinner and I decide to test an old PCI graphics card from my Mac G4 in the new machine. Just as it recognizes the card and asks to reboot — blip! — the power goes out in the apartment. So I go check the fuses, skeptical that a PCI card caused this and they’re fine. In fact some parts of the kitchen are still humming, the fridge was on and the garbage disposal was working fine. I check the hallway but our building is weird, the last few brownouts all apartments are out, but the hall/stairwell lights and elevators work fine. I go across the hall to check the trash room and it’s out as well. I sat around a while thinking it might be brief, get a little cleaning done, open the windows and the front door to get some air moving and to ask anyone passing by if they’ve lost power as well. I had a funny exchange with my next door neighbor who speaks little English but more than my little Spanish when I tried to ask her if she had power. Eventually we settled on “no lights? si, no lights!” and shared an Oh, no!

After waiting another few minutes, I put the sausages back in the fridge and rice back in the bag and headed out to Tonic for a few drinks and a burger. The usual bartender wasn’t in so I didn’t get my share of conversation, but Jarhead was showing on the main screen. I hadn’t seen it before and there was no sound or captioning, but wow that is one homoerotic looking movie when you can’t tell what’s being said. Jake Gyllenhall does indeed have eye sex with just about everything that moves, in all his roles.

Got back home, still no power so I sent a few text messages to Moose, tried to read a little while I still had daylight and when that faded so did my mood. I checked with the condo president and he told me that there was a partial power outage reported – his apartment was fine – so there was nothing anyone could do but wait it out. I’ve already written about how isolated I feel when there’s no electricity, but last night I just felt alone. I could listen to music, write a bit on the laptop before it lost battery even make some calls, but none of that felt like enough. I napped on the couch for a bit, then napped in bed until the power flickered back on around 10:30 or so.

I could have gone out during that time, I pondered another walk, but after dark walks are best done in Dupont and taking a bus to a walking destination seemed a little weird. I’m sure it sounds selfish, but what I really would have liked was to get a call or text from someone asking what’s up and/or let’s go out. It’s not even a recently-single thing as J and I rarely did anything on weeknights, more just a “where are my friends?” thing. When someone goes off the grid, electronically, I think it’s easier for us to assume that they’re out and about, running errands, having sex, whatever, and nothing behooves us to check on them even with a quick call or message. I’ve gotten to the point where now since I’m not even on IM during the day, the only e-mails from real people I get are when I make a post to livejournal, if I don’t do that, chances are I don’t hear from anyone during the day just to say hello unless they’re using the integrated chat in Gmail. I get plenty of spam and plenty of merchants and mailing lists. Oddly enough this past week I got an invitation from Macy’s to a fragrance release pastry party and from American Eagle to a listening party. Part of me finds it a bit sad and very weird that some huge mega-conglom is asking me to hang out more often than my friends.

I’m sure some of it does have to do with the break-up, though. I mean I’m on my own now. Strangely, I heard more “Is there anything I can do?” from people that don’t even live nearby, one of which I haven’t even met face to face, than anyone local. I don’t need to be coddled, I don’t need a drunken bitchfest (though that would be fun), but it seems that if I want to spend time with someone I have to make the suggestion, even if that bears no fruit, at least I put forth the idea and effort. I’m not one of those people that sits around thinking that everyone should contact me, but if I were, I’m pretty sure it’d be a pretty fucking lonely sabbatical. I realize that two of my best friends are in committed relationships now, one of them even having moved in with their SO, and I realize that at the end of the day people are tired and want to head home and not go back out, especially when there’s a lot of distance between them and the usual hang out spots. Maybe we’re all just getting old, and nesting is the preferred state — ooh, that’s not a thought I relish.

I don’t know that I have a point, I probably just needed to vent. It hasn’t been a good 12 hours and I don’t expect it to be a very good day at the office. I’m not cross-posting this to livejournal because… well maybe I’m just being a curmudgeon, but it seems that when my deeper entries end up over there, people either don’t respond – perhaps they don’t know how, or they pick up on the fluffiest bit of it and only respond to that. And just once in a while I’d like to see my inbox fill up with real messages instead of quips, even if it’s just to tell me that Kenneth Cole is having yet another sale on Bon Jovi jackets.

Perhaps its time to focus on my weight goals again. I was reading an old page from my first website and it says I was 155 pounds. When the hell did I ever weigh 155 pounds?! Even giving room for a little bit number fudging, that would imply that since that post I’ve gained over 30. It has been a few years, sure, but damn what the hell, man? Right now I’d just be happy to see 180 again. I know that 155 is too thin for my build, I’m well aware that I probably didn’t look healthy at all, but still it’d be nice to recapture a little bit of that discipline. Spring is here, I’m single, and the men are most definitely looking.

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