This is getting old… and so am I!
I think I said I was going to write about this earlier, but I’ve been tired and busy and decided maybe I needed to cool off about it for a little bit. But I’m still kinda heated, so…
What the hell is wrong with people? I suppose I’m included in that, but this is my blog so whatever.
Someone with a partner would have a person to lean on during this time. But for me, apparently it’s just another thing that makes me too broken to date.
The above quote is from an article that comes up in my social media memories around this time, a week or so ahead of my birthday — surprise, surprise — which is one of many in my collection of how being single (or lonely) is really hard. And after a particularly trying weekend, I posted this to my Facebook wall (page? feed?) with a re-up link to the article:
Reflecting on this article again after posting two “anyone doing anything?” posts and getting back silence or snark. After being flaked on by friends and basically ghosted by someone for later plans only a few hours after meeting them. (Which I will most likely write about at some point this week.)
Feeling “broken” is just about right.
So, ok, the friends who flake on me are a known quantity. It’s something I shouldn’t be used to, but I get used to it and attempt to adjust accordingly.
I had a standing brunch appointment with a friend for years, their appearances got less regular and less dependable and now, I no longer have that standing appointment. It’s been a little liberating because I try different restaurants, but when I go to the familiar places I still hear, “Where’s your friend?” Like, it’s been over a year, your guess is as good as mine.
I have friends who are almost guaranteed to drop out at the last minute. Real life intervenes each time, so it’s understandable, but I have to politely dance around saying, “Y’all ain’t coming, right?” or say nothing and take it as read.
I have friends — bar friends, mostly — who say “We should hang out! Next time we head out, I’ll hit you up.” And they never do. But I can see from Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat that they clearly went out. I’ve just normalized that.
But this takes the cake.
Now laughing at the "gay culture" "ghost 3 days later" tweet.
This is like… 3 *hours* if that. ??
— Brian Gray (aka ürb) (@urbanbohemian) September 3, 2017
Referencing this tweet, which touched a nerve with a lot of people because it spilled ALL the tea.
So, story time. I’d had a good Friday night out dancing, and then a misty rainy Saturday brunch and coffee with a friend and come Sunday I was brunching at a new spot a metro stop away from home. Doing my usual thing, having mimosas, stuffing my face, sharing pictures, reading some smut on my Kindle — don’t judge me — as one does. And while I do this, I’m checking in on social media and, of course, the apps. (Again, don’t judge me.)
So I get the odd views and woofs and grrs and “Hey” messages from people much too far away to grab a cocktail or a coffee, the usual. And I get a “Hey gorgeous” message from someone not too far away and as Jill Scott sings, “Cute… but not as fine as me.”
There was the odd banter back and forth, the dating/cruising app equivalent of eyes across the bar, or two animals sizing each other up before they go at it. Or something. How are you? What are you up to? How’s your weekend? Things like that. Within about 30 minutes of back and forth messages there was “You seem like a really nice guy. Maybe we can meet up sometime.”
He seems nice too, and writes complete sentences, so I wasn’t opposed to it. But I was also doing my thing. He offers to meet for brunch. I’m already having brunch. He proposes meeting for a drink. I’m already on bottomless mimosas. He implies that even though he said he was looking for new friends in the area, that meeting for drinks might be more of a date-like construct. I’m intrigued, but still coy about meeting up that day, and then he flips over his hole card.
…I may have an extra ticket to the [Cher] concert tonight and might want to see if you wanna join
Wait, you what?! Longer part of the story short, he bought the tickets for an ex who was unfaithful and he’s looking for someone to go with him, but only — get this — if there’s mutual interest. I scoff and discuss this briefly with the brunch venue bartender like, “How much mutual interest do two gay men need in each other to attend a Cher concert?” But, ok, as first meetings and first dates go, it’s not the sort of thing I was willing to let go without at least laying eyes on the guy.
We exchange numbers, make a plan to meet for drinks and see what’s what. And honestly, it wasn’t a bad meeting. It was at a bar I rarely visit and since I was still a bit sauced from brunch, I only had one drink after a lot of water, but I was on good behavior, he seemed nice and cute and after some get to to know you talk, there seemed to be enough good vibes that sure, a concert later that evening would be fun. But he still held out his escape clause, “I’ll text you the address of the venue around 6:30p.” And I’m like, I know where it is and how to get there, but ok…
Fast-forward to 3 hours later and I’ve picked out what I guess is a cute concert-going outfit and it’s coming up on confirmation time and, no text, no message, nothing. Now, in my mind I’ve already said, “So… this isn’t happening.” but because the idea of someone straight up vanishing just a few hours after is so ridiculous, I send a text, “Are we still on?” (Knowing that we clearly were not still on.) It was also practical because it was the absolute limit of my getting an Uber or Lyft from my place to the venue and making it anywhere close to on time.
ONE HOUR LATER I get a text back in response with what is one of the boldest lies I’ve ever been told for cancelling that I’m almost willing to believe it was true rather than believe that someone is either this stupid or this much of an asshole.
So sorry! A guy overheard me at the bar and literally offered me so much money for them I couldn’t refuse.
Really, my dude, really? At no point in the last 3 to 4 hours did you think to send me a message saying it was off? That you just hit a nice payday so let’s get drinks instead? That you just weren’t interested despite all of your indications to the contrary?
And I looked cute, y’all. I’d had other plans I made before all this, and did change and go out for a drink, but I really wasn’t feeling it. Because again, I was going out alone, and I kinda didn’t really know anyone there. Like, you know people because you see them, but you don’t know them, not really. And I knew the DJ, but the thing is, they really want you to come to their nights, but they’re also not really able to hang out with you. They’re working. This isn’t like high school or college where you can hang out at your friend’s coffee shop or mall kiosk, they need to focus and work.
So being out by myself wasn’t working for me. After an hour or so, I went home, made popcorn, watched TV and went to bed. Some holiday weekend Sunday that was. And I was mad, sad, tired, depressed, all of the above. I’m still mad, but getting over the rest of it. I just wish I knew more people, or better people, or more better people. I’m not rushing out to “fix” my singledom, but at the same time, lonliness is often crushing. My birthday is in a few days and the only plans I have are taking the week off work. Not seeing anyone or doing anything with anyone.
I don’t feel “broken” right now, but that doesn’t mean that this doesn’t suck. 20 years I’ve lived in DC and don’t always feel like I have a lot to show for it. Still, like Sunday, you never know what tomorrow will bring. However, if tomorrow brings some boy promising concert tickets and a night out…? I’m going to have to give it a hard pass. :rolleyes: