no second chances

I think I shouldn’t lift weights on a bowling night. My arm is killing me, my leg is killing me and my games were pretty bad. Though frankly my mind wasn’t anywhere near the bowling alley.

Christopher called, didn’t leave a message. I IM’d him to see what was up and he said ‘a month is a long time,’ something I was thinking as well. So we went to the gym, worked out, had coffee and talked. What I had thought was a break to work some things out, was actually a break-up, not that it changes how I feel. It just means that instead of just asking him to take me back, I was asking for a second chance and to take me back. I don’t come from a very outwardly loving family, so I don’t always have the words to describe what I’m feeling or to express myself when it comes to strong emotions. I wish I could, it would be easier to explain it to Christopher. I want to be able to show him how much I care for him, but nothing comes out right and I’m placed on the spot, speechless.

He seems to think that I’ll easily get over him, I don’t know why. When I saw he called, it was like nerve-wracked elation. Not sure whether to be happy, or just on edge and wary. When I met him at the gym and he smiled at me, I just melted.. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him all the while we were working out. I didn’t know what might come of things, I just knew that I was so happy to be with him.

He considers me the latest victim of emotional carnage at his hands.. I don’t really think that’s true, but its his perspective. I was an idiot, I fucked up, I just wish I had a chance to make up for it and be the friend, lover, partner that he deserves. I spend so much time dating guys that turn out to be jerks that I haven’t fallen for someone in a long while. Now that I have, I screw things up. But I see this as a hurdle, not a roadblock. It’s forcing me to take a good look at myself and my behavior, and grow from it. I just hope it isn’t too little, too late.

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