The Onion makes me cry…
From the latest issue, Online-Dating Tips.
- Under no circumstance should you give someone you meet online a lot of personal information. You could place yourself in the dangerous position of having a date who knows what a loser you are.
- When considering the serious step of marriage, it’s good form to seek the approval of the message-board moderator.
- Online dating services provide an easy way for recently divorced singles to meet new and interesting people. It’s too bad your ex-wife got to keep the computer.
- When you write your online classified ad, be sure to make explicit the fact that a sense of humor is very important to you.
- Set yourself apart by choosing a descriptive user-name like SocialRetard342, CuteFaceFatAss, or RohypnolLarry.
- Don’t just tell women what they want to hear. Type it in all caps.
- Remember, online dating is not for everyone—only the desperate and pathetic.
- Dates like to know that they’re appreciated. Go the extra mile and send that special someone an e-card or virtual flowers.
- For best results, try whichever dating service happens to be advertised to the right or left of this chart.
- If you decide to break up with your online mate, for God’s sake, have the decency to do it over the phone.
- If you’re a man who prefers younger women, but you only seem to get responses from older women, take heart: Older women can give birth to younger women.
- When getting together for the first time, arrange to meet online dates in an open, public place. That way, you can use binoculars to check them out from the car beforehand.
- Don’t worry. If you actually meet someone decent over the Internet, the two of you can tell people you met at a party.
I find the last one the most hilarious, since I’ve met people online or through newsp
aper ads and been told by them, “Oh, we can’t TELL people we met online, we have to say we met at the club or through friends!” I mean sheesh, it’s not like our first meeting was at a sex club or in the bushes of a roadside rest-stop, though I have heard long-time couples tell tales that start out that way…