getting too heavy
Of course I had a big ol’ thing in my head to write about and now that I try, it’s all vanishing. But basically, I’m revoking all outstanding crush privileges. There are a few guys right now in my first and second degree social circles that I have crushes on… that (sometimes un-) explainable infatuation with this or that person, initially not caring how they feel about me while still willing to walk to the ends of the earth for them. Sometimes I’ll act on it, most times I won’t. More often than not the guy does or says something that makes it pretty clear that there’d never be any reciprocal attraction, the most common of these is hounding me for the 411 on someone else that we both saw somewhere, less common and more analytical of me is seeing who this person finds attractive and pursues and why and comparing myself to them and figuring that I’ve got no chance… and the worst part is, I’ll still let myself be walked all over by the person that I’m crushin’ on. But not anymore.
I may still think your eyes are dreamy. I may still love your mind. I may still go weak when you stretch and that tiny flash of your stomach appears between your shirt and pants waistline. I may still shiver just hearing you say my name. I may melt when you do that thing you do, you probably have no idea that you even do it or what it is, but you do it all the time, it’s absolutely adorable and it completely endears me to you.
But I won’t sit and listen to you talk about how you can’t find the right guy and pretend to agree, or how great your date went and pretend to be thrilled for you. I won’t go out of my way to find a weblink or download an album of the band you mentioned that you like but can’t find anything about them. I won’t show up at a potluck having somehow baked your favorite dessert that you mentioned in an idle comment in a conversation 5 or so months back. I won’t pretend to be interested or desperately curious about something that you love if I don’t also love it. I won’t go out of my way to make sure that I rearrange my personal life so that I can be at a social gathering that you mentioned you maybe might have time to go to… maybe. I won’t over-extend myself for you like I would for a best friend based around the simple yet futile hope that you’ll notice.
However, I will do my best to get to know you better if I can and hopefully be your friend and what happens… happens. Which was, naturally, the thought behind the original seed for my crush in the first place.
* This is what happens when an errant thought meets a writing exercise at a self-help seminar to which the only background music played is John Mayer’s “My Stupid Mouth”. It doesn’t refer to any one person in particular, more a blending of guys that have caused the “I feel like such a fool” lament over and over again.
If you would like to know more about Brian’s crushes,
visit your local library, ask him.