On Feeling “Less Than” or “Not Good Enough”

How do you deal with being “Just OK” in your chosen field(s)? I looked up the name for the feeling of “less than” and it mostly returned “inferiority complex” which isn’t exactly what I was looking for. But it’s the feeling of thinking, “I do all right, but why aren’t I at the same [insert name for conceptual increased level here] as others?”

To be fair, I suspect everyone thinks that about themselves in their chosen field, professional, creative, etc. but I had a moment hit last night of, “What am I even doing here? If I’m not performing at the (perceived) level of those around me, do I even belong here?” and that is a rough feeling.

It’s mainly related to streaming. I’m a part-time streamer. I have a day job which is my priority and means that I am not streaming every day, I’m not streaming for more than a few hours at a time, I can’t be around for events that take place during work hours, nor can I stream late into the evening on weeknights.

That means I “lose out” on a lot of opportunities, mostly because they’re a bad fit for schedule or time commitment. And when I have to decline, I always get the little voice saying, “They’re never going to ask you again, you know.”

It’s the same for TTRPG events and events at conventions. Because it isn’t my main job or career, I can’t place it in importance above the 9-to-5, and it’s really easy to beat myself up over that. Like I’m letting myself down for not pushing myself, or I don’t know what.

There’s a scene in the Absolutely Fabulous episode “Fear” where Patsy and Eddy are getting high in the bathroom and pondering their place in life as they get older. And Patsy says, “I don’t want to be just nothing. … I’m not just nothing, but I’m not out there! … I want them to think ‘Patsy,’ you know ‘great!'”

I get into similar cycles with my creative work. I think I’m a pretty good streamer and TTRPG performer. Not a professional actor or anything, but at the same time, I often wonder what more should I do to get the calls and opportunities. Especially the ones that actually pay money.

I will take on additional work and responsibility at my day job, where I get paid for it. But on the creative side, being given a free game code, RPG book, or a sweatshirt can only go so far. How do I get on the lists where people with money think, “Let’s reach out and see if Brian is available?”

The irony of my going to a convention next week where that exact thing did and is happening isn’t lost on me, but if I tally up the number of “We’ll pay you,” events vs. “It’s a great opportunity for exposure,” ones the latter always wins out, and as the saying (and warning) goes, “People can die from exposure.”

I’m sure I’ll get over the feelings in a little while, but right now it just feels poignant. My day job is stable, but it’s not soul-enriching. Watching marginalized people, our history and culture, our art, all undergoing attempts at erasure right now… I can’t bring myself to stop putting myself out there.

And while I’d like to think whatever level of “success” I have, maybe there are those who see where I am as a goal on their horizon. A lot of us are probably all in the same place, feelings-wise. Happy with where we are, but always wondering how to break through that next milestone.

For me, right now, it’s not “fame,” but more being thought of like, “oh yeah, they’re good at this stuff, let’s call them.” When I look back at how busy I’ve been–even as recently as last year–not seeing much on the horizon for 2025 has me wondering how do I manage a level of “For Your Consideration” efforts when I don’t always have the time and energy to match.

Oh, and if you do think I’d be good for something, streaming events, TTRPG events, hosting, presenting, guesting on a podcast or panel… hit me up. My calendar may be a labyrinthine nightmare at times, but it’s also fairly open. You never know! 💖