“State of the World” – Janet Jackson, RN1814

It’s 37 years old and yet this song is the first place my mind goes to when I think, “What’s got me down? Oh right, just the state of the world, isn’t it?”

It’s always something though, right? Even looking for this song, I was thinking, “I wonder if it’s even still available online, or if will continue to be. Maybe I should buy the digital or physical copy myself.” Because that’s something too.

I’m definitely “not OK” lately. It’s the same demons it usually is: fatigue and depression. But they’re constantly teaming up with whatever the new “state of the world” crap is today, or this week, or this month. I’ll be honest, it’s usually A.I. and/or politics taking up the mantle most days. They’re literally building what looks like a carnival stage on the White House lawn. All these years DC has had our own State Fair and they go and put up a crappy one at 1600 Penn. Amazing.

Image by Lumiukko from Pixabay

Creatively, I’m not in a drought exactly, but I definitely feel as though I’m at a plateau. I can barely get the energy to write–this blog post was self-debated for weeks because who wants to read Marvin the Paranoid Android‘s diary entry? “I think you ought to know I’m feeling very depressed.” I mean… who isn’t? Look around at the state of things.

Since I’m off Twitter and TikTok, there’s less social media engagement to drive people to my Twitch streams, so those numbers are pretty flat right now. Not that I was expecting to become a streaming celebrity. But there is a nice feeling of working towards something and seeing that it’s well-received.

I haven’t really done nearly as much in the TTRPG space–professional or amateur–lately¹. Much of that is respecting my own work schedule and need for free time, but still. It’s sometimes hard to go from “a cast member of a show that was pretty popular once” to not getting invites or callbacks for projects. Or ghosted by actual professional projects (that reached out to me, not the other way around).

I did try to treat myself to something fun. Horse Meat Disco tickets next month for DC Pride/Juneteenth, and I was doing well to get over my social issues, body image issues (‘cos that party becomes pretty circuit’y with less muscle), and having not gone out in DC in ages I felt like I lucked out in that the venue was really close to where I live … and then the venue moved across town. Thankfully, I could sell my ticket back, but what a bummer. I miss going dancing.

The above probably would been easier to manage if I felt like I had more of a local friend or buddy circle anymore. I think that’s been one of the things I’ve mourned the most about the pre-pandemic times. Just local folks to hang out with, see at events, meet up with sometimes. Not necessarily the closest of friends though that option was always on the table. But at least a step above “bar friends”. That sort of vanished, and even though with science, social distancing, masking and vigilance, the absolute worst of things has calmed down, I still haven’t really headed back out because I don’t want to do it alone.

The one thing I remain very proud of is that my utter aversion to the type of A.I. that’s taking over everything has kept me from investigating any sort of A.I. based app, helper, or especially chat bot. I feel like, in some ways, I’m the target audience for that. I live alone, am often lonely–I admit it, don’t have many local friends, have an interest in tech, etc. but I know it would be a trap. I’ve read the news stories. I don’t even want people around me who act like sycophants, let alone an app where I’m paying for the “privilege”.

I need to be better at looking for opportunities to just be social and make friends, but sometimes I just feel like an old out-of-touch and out-of-shape nerd without even the cool ability to lore dump, really. Well, maybe after a few brunch cocktails, but even the little treat of brunch doesn’t always hit the same way as much anymore.

However, it’s not all gloom and doom. (Ya gotta say that, right?) There’s things to be thankful for: work, health, etc. Even though the holiday weekend was rained out, the sun is peeking back through and the temps are rising, so I’ll be able to steal some sunshine to improve my mood.

But hey, if I can’t use my own blog to write about my feelings, evoking the days of Doogie Howser, M.D. and LiveJournal, then where can I? Besides… there’s no way all of this would have fit on Bluesky as a thread! 😀

1. Delta Shift, notwithstanding ↩︎