conflict

I got a response to my e-mail to Michael, he says he didn’t think my birthday meant that much to me otherwise he’d have sent me a note or something. I guess he’s trying to spark dialogue with me again, but honestly part of me just wants to tear into him. Then I think, it’s not his fault he fell for me and it’s not my fault that I don’t feel the same way. Hard to determine just what it is really. I can be physical with him, but I don’t want to date him. And if he wants dating, then it’s not going to work, but I’d hate to think we couldn’t just hang out as a result of putting the kibosh on the sex. It’s sort of the same with Adam, ‘cept with him I just want the sex, being his friend is too taxing and being his boyfriend isn’t even a consideration right now since he has a girlfriend. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problems with polyamory, but I’d rather the 3rd part of the equation not be a woman (and she’s not all that cute either), and if that’s just my hangup, I’m prepared to claim/own it. Plus Adam has very wrong, in my opinion, and cut & dry ideas about “gay life” vs “straight life”. I suppose since he’s bisexual he feels it makes him an expert observer of both.

Probably best to just tell Michael how I feel, even if it comes out sounding harsh, it’s better he knows the truth. I will admit I fear losing the friendship, for some selfish reasons too. He helped me get out of my apartment more, while he understood when I needed to have those days where I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. More often than not he’d act as my partner in crime when I got strange shopping urges, and he’d always chime up with a concert ticket or a cool event to see.

I sent e-mail back to Tim, the “White Knight” who answered my ad, but I’ve gotten no response from him. I might try calling him today and doing the whole “sorry I missed you” thing, even though I know he doesn’t get home until after 6. Yes, I know, it’s a semi-manipulative social game, but with my anxieties, I think I’m allowed a little bit of leeway.