it snowed today

it snowed today, big time, so it was nice to have an excuse not to go to work, still had to go out and pay rent and clean off the car. had to miss an appointment with our potential realtor tho cos my apartment complex wasn’t on the ball with snow removal, so the plows just sort of scraped away the snow causing the snow underneath to be polished to a nice slick glaze that was barely safe to even walk on.

i realize i’m becoming much more disagreeable with friends regarding my social life, or mainly just talking about it. everyone throws suggestions at me without realizing that i’ve tried them and they keep saying well go do something, like its just that easy. sometimes feeling down is like being trapped in your body while its possessed by another being. you don’t necessarily want to say or do the things you do, but if you didn’t then no one would know anything was different or wrong. not necessarily in a way to get attention, but usually just in a way to let those close to you know that ‘no, everything isn’t ok, and i don’t feel like acting like it is right now’. i’m crankier, more bitter, less in a mood to talk to people, especially when they try to cheer me up. i keep going over all my failures in my head from this past year, thinking about how it’s been over a YEAR since i’ve even come close to a semi-serious dating thing. recently this seemingly nice guy in a bar gave me his phone number and asked for mine. i’ve used his and called him when he asked me to. he doesn’t seem to be able to reciprocate. so i’m thinking, why bother asking if you aren’t going to use it? Sean W assures me that he’s probably not someone i want to even talk to based on this very behavior, and he’s probably right. that doesn’t make it feel any better though. like in the cartoons my head should be replace with that of a donkey with a sign around my neck reading ‘jackass’. all because i had a little hope that i could go out and meet someone nice in a bar. it’s no wonder i feel like that part of the culture is a whole different world that i should just stay away from.

not like i feel like i fit in anywhere lately. i don’t seem to think like anyone else (though that may be a good thing since I seem to be the only one of my friends that thinks ahead or is able to remember a conversation longer than a few hours old) or even eat like anyone else. i nearly snapped at Sean M when we were cooking because he made such a big fuss about me trying to throw away extra apples that couldn’t fit into an apple pie. I’m generally not a wasteful person, but they weren’t going to to do anyone any good, we were going to have a whole pie for goodness’ sake. add to that the leftover pie dough from the crust and he’s insistent that something be done with them. like he just can’t look at food and not eat it. this is a path of logic that i just can’t follow. like, don’t waste food, but since i can’t give it to someone, i’ll just eat it myself. “i feel good now for not being wasteful, but then guilty later for getting fat.” maybe dieting turned me into a food nazi. i get scowls from people in the store when i buy lean meals, or turn around items to read nutritional information. Michael tells me i’m too thin. so i go from being worried about being too large and not fitting in to now being too thin. great.

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