My dear friends…

Please do not let me ever again go to a bar on a night when “shirtless men drink free”… Admittedly, I had a lot of fun and a lot of laughs, but to paraphrase the song, Waking Up is Hard to Do.

And Bill, you should totally do book jacket notes like Amy did:

Dear Reluctant Shopper,
Welcome to my flap. If you are reading this, I can only assume that you’re hesitating to buy this book. Maybe you’re thinking I don’t know anything about this book; I would like more information. Should I buy it based solely on the exceptionally striking cover shot? Well, that’s a good enough reason for me.

Do I really need to add that there’s a secret poster you can see only after the book is purchased? A poster that involves plenty of skin and would make a perfect addition to any basement rec room? Why are you still reading?

Look, your wishy-washy attitude is really starting to rub me the wrong way. You know what? Maybe you should set the book down and let someone more attractive buy it! I’m sorry, that was uncalled for. Deep breath . . . let it out slowly. I’m sure in some circles you’re considered attractive. I’m sure by now you’re skipping past the register . . . What, you still haven’t bought it!? What’s the matter, can’t read? Who cares? I can’t write. Besides, this book is so visual a monkey could enjoy it.

All right, fine, you win. I’ll tell you a little about the book. The first thing you should know is: I like parties! Here are some of the helpful suggestions you’ll get by reading this sturdy book:

  1. It’s always a good idea to stock your neighbor’s apartment with the basics (alcohol, ice, corn chips…) so when you run out at three o’clock in the morning, you know whose door to knock on.
  2. Try filling your medicine cabinet with marbles. Nothing announces a nosy partygoer more successfully than an avalanche of marbles striking a porcelain sink.
  3. Pre-crack all your liquor bottles. No one wants to be the first, especially at a wake.
  4. Give the party a strict time span and if it’s not going well at least you know when it will be over.
  5. Have toilet paper.

Convinced? I thought so. Just remember: sometimes you can judge a book by its cover, or in this case, its tremendously gorgeous cover.

I’ll see you on the inside.

Benetton ensembleAlso, I’m totally buying this coat from Benetton. It called to me, looks fabulous on me and I have a few 20% off coupons! I think I’ll swing by on the way home…

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1 Response

  1. William Mize says:

    I’m sure that NO ONE would want me to include, mention or even think about creating a poster of myself that would show some skin. It’s just wrong. And wrong things like that make the Baby Jesus Cry.
    I DO love Amy Sedaris though.
    How much? I saw “My Name Is Earl” where she was the brother’s girlfriend, and I was jealous – JEALOUS that Amy was his girlfriend.

    I need professional help.

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