disappointed

So much so that I didn’t even blog this when I got home. I left work yesterday at 2pm, 8 hours on the dot, and normally I’ll ride the Metro from Federal Triangle to L’Enfant Plaza, then to Huntington. But since the Blue line train going the other way was there already and my knee and foot were hurting from the fall last week I went ahead and took it, and as I stepped on the train, there was some guy there, the spitting image of an ex, Jayson.

Now I thought I was over him.. That’s what brought the true disappointment, ‘cos at first I thought it was him. I could barely breathe, my heart was pounding. Not really from the excitement of seeing him, but more from the reaction at seeing him after so long (I think). Part of me still cares about him, sure, but it simply isn’t meant to be. Anyway, as the train pulled off, I saw the guy was reading a sports magazine, and that is definitely not Jayson’s style. But even so, I still don’t know why it is that I some guys I dated, I just can’t be comfortable around. Admittedly, its the ones that hurt me that cause this reaction. One of the reasons I retreated into myself when I lived in Florida. Tallahassee is far too small to “not see” someone anymore. And since Jayson and I broke up, I’ve seen him twice. Once at roller skating and once I ended up eating where he works, both times, the same kind of discomfort. I don’t know why some people, I just can’t get over. Maybe ‘cos there wasn’t proper closure as I saw it, or simply the relationship was over before I was ready for it to be over. Selfish true, but I can’t, no — won’t, deny how I feel.

Another reason I’m bummed is that I thought I had more money than I actually do. I got two checks from CyberRebate.com yesterday and did I ever need them! And considering that one piece of merchandise I bought, I threw away and the other I’m not too fond of and will end up selling, I suppose it’s a good thing I got 100% rebates on both of them. But I’ll be heavily depending on tea and pretzels and soup this week. I’m just hoping that we get paid early due to the holiday. If not, there may be no going out for me this weekend, or if I do, it’ll be the usual of “allowing myself” to be bought drinks by Charlie. And with Charlie, no one should drink just one.

A thought hit me last night. Even taking into account the desire to have one’s own space. It doesn’t make much sense for two good friends to each be paying between $800 to $900 for two 1-bedroom apartments when there are better spaces to be had out there that could be shared.