kill the messenger

I don’t like giving good people, truly good people, bad news. But I had to. After spending a very agonizing and self-examining week following my trip to Rhode Island to visit Al, I realize that while I care for him a great deal, I do not feel anything more than a best friendship will develop between us. Not like that’s a “consolation prize”, ‘cos I mean a real friendship. I enjoy him, I can talk to him, share things with him that I generally wouldn’t just talk to anyone about. And that he understands me more than a lot of people I spend time with do. The hardest part of things was to not succumb to the niceness of it all and say “Ok, let’s date this guy,” since it seems like the perfect guy. But I didn’t want to do what I’ve done before, which is get into a relationship that’s almost right, and stay in it. Only ending up to hurt us both when I realized it wasn’t right.

So it hurt, a lot, and it was hard, but I called him and told him. And it went better than I thought. I think he understands where I’m coming from. He’s disappointed, and I also can identify with that feeling, and I suspected it was coming, but I feel better having been honest with him than avoiding the truth. I just wouldn’t want to do it everyday. Even so, doing it has left me in an odd self-questioning mood. Al’s a great man, and probably damn near perfect. So what’s wrong with me? Why didn’t it click in that way for me? I know there’s really no answer to that, but after a string of failed relationships, and unsalvageable (except this time, I pray) friendships, I really have to wonder…