…

T’was one of those up and down weekends, I guess. Michael was headed out of town, Chris was headed out of town and that really leaves me no options. I almost had enough courage and motivation to go out Friday or Saturday night, but just couldn’t get into it. Talked with Al a lot this weekend, online and on the phone, and we played Diablo 2 via Battle.Net, we’re such addicts.

Also spent some time in the online “chat” rooms, which I don’t know why I do ‘cos it always makes me feel bad. No, I know why I did it, ‘cos I’m lonely, and some part of me still wants to believe that I might make new friends from doing it, instead I only find men that are on the prowl for sex, sex and more sex. Their philosophy? “I’ve got enough friends, I go online for sex.” I wish I could be so glib, instead I tend to find that when I do hook up which, *gasp*, yes I do and have done, that afterwards you end up feeling even lonlier than you did before you convinced yourself that you wanted a few minutes or hours of sex with someone.

I also tried again with the personal ads. I rarely get any real response from them aside from the married guys, or the “I luv black cock” guys. It’s kinda funny, after chatting with Michael one day, we found out that a friend of his had dated a guy Gene briefly, he knew this ‘cos he’d just answered Gene’s ad, having no idea that Gene and I were pseudodating of sorts, he’s then hanging out with his friend Jon and finds out that Jon’s Gene’s ex. Small world, eh? After thinking about this, I realized that when my life in Delaware got to the point where I couldn’t date someone without, by proxy, also dating everyone else in the city, was when I was thinking of moving. Admittedly it wasn’t the only factor in my move, but it was significant. As creatures, we seek out companionship, long term, and when chances for that dwindle, our surroundings become a lot less desirable. Maybe it’s just nature, or human nature even.

Then Chris got back last night from his weekend trip and I get an IM, “I’m going to rend him limb from limb”. I tell him that I have no idea what he’s talking about (a frequent malady) and to give me some context. Rather than tell me its, “Let me forward you this e-mail I’m sending Chase”. Chase is this man, that he’s courting up north. Chris believes that he’s rich, says that he’s gorgeous and of course wonders what the hell he’s interested in Chris for. Reading the e-mail was a chore, ‘cos Chris is speaking in this pretentious prose that reminds me of the kind of letters women write in Jane Austen novels, and to make it worse, the e-mail is structured in such a way that puts forth, “Let me show you what an asshole my friend was while displaying how noble a person I am.” To hear Chris, this friend was a lecherous, greedy pig that made advances on him with no encouragement or provocation, while Chris was polite, sent no mixed signals, was appaled at this person’s avarice and so on. I’m reading this, coming off of a weekend where I’ve probably talked to more fake men than in a long time and I’m just thinking, ‘Who the hell is he trying to kid?’. It has always been my lot in life to know people, through what they tell me, what they specifically don’t tell me and what they lie to me about, and know them for what they truly are. So perhaps Chris has simply been occluding this other part of himself for a long while. It does disturb me though, that I feel I need to make better choices in who I consider “close”, since Chris was on that list then off again, then on, then off. At this point, I feel I should keep him at arms’ length until I can figure out just who he really is. And by doing that I cut the number of local close friends to… 1.