it’s no wonder

… that my blog hasn’t been elevated to the heights of anyone’s link list, or even the Blogs of Note list.

(I do though, really. No, really!) I just don’t choose to use my webpage like so many others I see with personal anecdotal pages to belabor the point that while I’m having enough sex, look like a supermodel, have loads of friends, and always have a full social calendar… I’m terribly unhappy. note: only one of the previous four items is true about me

It’s not hard to see why I don’t feel like a properly self-actualized homosexual-american. And then I think about it. If I did go to the gym every night for hours, and push back my “charming” personality for something akin to someone that overloads on Queer As Folk and Will and Grace, and hit the clubs every weekend including the circuit parties… I might actually get a date. But would I be happy? *who needs to be happy, when people like you and you’ve got 6-pk abs?* Sorry, that’s the voice of the ultimate gayboy lurking deep within us all. You know, the one perfect ideal of the gay man that everyone wants and wants to be. His chest and abs are defined and rock hard. His hair is never sprayed, yet manages to always look perfect. He’s always at all the cocktail parties, but only for the men, and at all the circuit parties, but only for the conversation. He can recite any show tune ever penned, but wouldn’t dare ‘cos it’s too queeny, and has seen RENT just the right amount of times to be trendy, but not addicted.

I could go on.. and perhaps shall one day as that’s starting to turn into yet another rant that I should make into an essay of some kind. This comes after the latest run of personal ad responses and non-responses. I asked myself, why am I placing a personal ad. And the dates I went on, I felt like there was some connecting, but a final level that we just weren’t communicating on. Maybe I try to be too honest, but I suppose I feel that if you’re on a date, chances are you aren’t looking for “friends,” you’re looking for A MAN, therefore putting a lot, but not all facts out on the line at the onset. If those scare the other guy off, it doesn’t matter how great a time you had, you probably won’t be hearing from them again. (Yes, I am speaking from personal experience here, after having a nice day-date with someone, and a lunch with another, both of which said ‘Well we should do this again, and didn’t mean a word of it’.)

So… why? Why do I feel the need to do it? It’s my inner gayboy again. *if you’re happy alone, you’ll be even happier with a boyfriend, plus there’s sex!* Actually, I don’t know why, I’m still working that out.

In chatting with Al, I got a good idea for a book, a gay man’s version of… hm, well if I say so and someone’s reading this, they might steal my idea. *grin*