I’m in a mood. I hate being in a mood, and I usually don’t know what much to do to get around it, but I am. This started yesterday, sometime when I realized that M hadn’t returned any of my calls, the M thing was compounded by the fact that when he did call me, he started reminding me of things he’d never told me, “Don’t forget about tomorrow night.”, or “Didn’t I tell you that already?” type stuff. I kinda rushed myself off the phone.
Then this morning, fueled by another urge to find an apartment I looked at the apartment search service I signed up for. Very disappointing. No floor plans, inaccurate information about apartment features, and basically, its a paid-per-view service. The more often the management companies’ properties appear in the search, the more money they’ve likely paid.
Then C sends me an IM, and at sometime in the shower either last night, or this morning I came to the realization that I’m tired of dealing with his shit, after the distance comment, and other things, like not being able to remember a single thing I tell him, and constantly asking me to be his brain… that I don’t want to hang out with him. This is slowly happening to all the people on my acquaintance list. If they can’t make some kind of effort themselves, then I can’t be bothered. And I don’t consider a “what are you doing this week?” to be effort. Irrational? Perhaps. But as I said… mood.
I find it hard to be happy about things lately, difficult to accept sympathy or empathy… I ponder just getting drunk everynight, but that would hamper my ability to work so there’ll be none of that. I just have to have one of the hardest things TO have at times… faith. I know I’ll find a new place to live. I know that things will improve financially and socially. I know all these things, it’s just believing in them sight unseen that’s the hard part. My home life is bordering on pig-sty-ness, ‘cos I can’t even get the urge to clean up the place, or start the preliminary packing that I was going to do MONTHS ago. The more I leave undone, the more I look at and feel pathetic about. It’s awful. But talking to Al right now and he has a good idea. Just have some me-time, I can’t be on vacation, but I can act like it. So picking up some donuts on the way home, getting my mail (hopefully with my new jeans) and seeing what kinda relaxing I can get myself into. There are no shows on tonight, so I can watch whatever the hell I want to. Perhaps a little tidying, a little watching, then bed. Yeah, that works.