out of order

… out of order …

I’m feeling disjointed lately. Like there’s some other Brian out there and our lives got switched. Like a karmic record skipped and no one’s put a penny down on the arm. I’ve mentioned David Sedaris before and I’m re-reading one or two of his books and lately I recall something I told Lindsay once. I can’t “coast” through life like some people. Sedaris makes mention that if not for his drug use, chances are he wouldn’t have gotten himself into a lot of the things he did, and admittedly, he’s pretty much the right age for having slightly more liberal drug usage in late high school to college. But still, it feels as if people around me can coast as well… just that feeling that no matter what you do, or don’t do, things will turn out “just fine.”

We went bowling the other night, running late, as usual, since no one had told me when I should be showing up, so I showed up in more than enough time to get from Michael’s place to the bowling alley. We were running late ‘cos I didn’t know that we were picking up Monica’s friend Chris from a metro station that was somewhat convenient, also I suspect the lateness had to do with Michael just being Michael. This is something we’re growing to accept, and it’s disturbing sometimes, that everyone simply accepts a standard of behavior as is. Like one person just gets to be “that one”. In the car on the way to the metro to get Chris, Michael pipes up, “Oh! Monica! How would you like to live in Takoma Park, steps away from the metro, etc,” the exchange went back and forth for a few minutes and the gist is that a friend of theirs (ours?) Jon is looking to buy a place in Takoma Park, a very nice area, and the house he was looking at was expensive, however he’d offered Michael and Monica the chance to rent rooms in it. And perhaps I was selfish, but all I could think is that I’m busting my ass to try and move to Silver Spring to be nearer to friends, and as soon as I’m close to it, they’re all going to move to Takoma Park. Now it’s not that far away, but sometimes just hearing things makes me feel a bit down. And I wouldn’t really count tact amongst Michael’s good qualities. But still, it’s that life’s attitude. It’s not as if they live in a particularly bad spot now, in fact their house, barring a few physical defects which COULD be fixed, is rather a nice one. I just feel like I need friends that are looking out for me as much as I’m looking out for them, and I need those friends to not all live in other parts of the country. I don’t know if there’s such a feeling as a “fourth” wheel, but if there is, that’s what I feel like at times. Like Monica, Jon and Michael are going to Amsterdam. Jon had been mentioning going to Amsterdam since before New Year’s, but he waffled, and no one ever tried to keep him to it. So when Michael was over one Weds for Star Trek and asks me if I want to go to Amsterdam, he says, “Jon bought tickets.” There was no doubt in my mind that Jon bought 3 tickets, so instantly I’m thinking was it already a foregone conclusion that I’d say no, or was I just not thought of until after the last moment. The trip happens to be the next-to-last weekend in March. I move on the last weekend of March, and really don’t think trying to take a trip is the wisest idea around then. I think I’ll just hire movers and not ask anyone to help me move. Seems easier that way. Sean also wants to go to Las Vegas on that weekend, but he at least remembered (since before Xmas) that I might not be able to go, and while he’s keeping me posted on the details, he’s keeping plans optional where I am concerned.

I’m not really looking to be coddled, just considered. I feel like I’m on the fringes. People never fail to comment on “how far out there” I live, rarely am I called to hang out, nor do I call people to hang out, ‘cos I know that it’d take at least 40 mins for any of my friends to get to my place, which I don’t care all that much for anyway. I almost feel like it was a bad idea to drop the faux-friends I made when I first moved here. Pretty much an assortment of shallow guys that all meet online on irc in the dc chatroom. I’d never actually see them aside from online or in the bars and since I stopped going out every night, I stopped seeing these people and eventually faded out of sight. Out of sight, out of mind.

I try to keep it in my mind. One thing at a time, one day at a time. Get the move settled, by then it will be Spring, one of my favorite times to be outside. Perhaps after I move I can see about getting to know more people. Or at the least I’ll be in a nice enough place that I can enjoy my solitude.