All dressed up with someplace to go

All dressed up with someplace to go… and then I stood myself up. That last part normally doesn’t happen that way, but life throws interesting curves at you.

Christopher and I were supposed to get together tonight for a romantic, possibly intimate evening (possibly, hopefully?) — there were no real expectations, mainly just spending time together. The schedule got changed a little since he had to meet with a friend, which is no problem of course. So I get myself fairly nice looking, and then just sit and wait and watch tv and kinda putter around in limbo not knowing what’s happening, but having enough trust to know that I’ll hear from him with the plans or changes in plans or whatever. He does call, he’s at the bar around the corner (quickly becoming a usual hangout for me) with his friend and they’re still hanging out but he’s in a different ‘place’ about tonight and doesn’t think he wants to get together one on one for what we’d planned.

I should clarify that while he and I have been physical, we haven’t been *extremely* physically intimate yet. It was something that I was withholding, for lack of a better term, not maliciously but just until I knew how I felt about him. You want it to be special, unless you don’t care about the person, in which case you just want it to be done.

So anyway, he invites me to come hang out with them at the bar since this is a very good friend of his and he would like me to get to know her. But at that moment, I wasn’t sure what I was feeling, whether it was anger or disappointment or what. I guess on the unselfish side I was feeling blindsided though I appreciated his honesty, on the selfish side it just brought back a lot of past occurrences in which I’ve been understanding, but instead of trusting my instincts and removing myself from the situation, I’ve gone along and had a terrible time, regardless of how I was acting. So I told him that he should continue to hang out there and I didn’t think I wanted to join them. He asked if I was ok, and I told him that I wasn’t sure what/how I was feeling, which is the truth.

So in essence, I stand myself up. And it’s 9:20 on a Thursday night that I’m working 1/2 day on Friday, and I’m here at home with no plans. Feels kinda pathetic, even though I know I’m doing what’s best for all involved. Times like that should be special, not scheduled. And while I didn’t really feel as if we were forcing the issue, I suppose that we were.

There’s a feeling somewhere between anger, annoyance and disappointment, yet not being exactly any of those three, perhaps crestfallen. Though I do envy him as he has a good friend he can talk to about things like this. I seem to *be* the friend people come to.

In other news, my roommate was hoping that I’d go somewhere over the holiday weekend so he could have the place to himself. He has the place to himself nearly every damn weekday, maybe when he gets a job he’ll realize what kinda of time he’s wasting now…