Welcome to D.C.; Watch Where You’re Going

Welcome to D.C.; Watch Where You’re Going

John Kelly’s “advice” column to DC Tourists. Some gems:

5. Single file please! Our sidewalks might seem wide, but, frankly, we’ve noticed that you’re kind of on the wide side, too. And when five or six of you line up side by side you resemble a phalanx, the impenetrable Macedonian battle formation. We can’t get past you on the way to our meeting with the president or, more likely, to the Starbucks.

Please don’t hog the sidewalk.

6. Keep it moving. Perhaps you come from a part of our great nation that moves at a slower pace. It might be common for you to stop on the sidewalk, take off your hat, scratch your head, hike up your pants, then ask an old friend how his silage is getting on.

We don’t do that here. The wheels of commerce and government turn constantly. We have places to go and people to see. Bills don’t turn into laws by themselves, ya know! We don’t expect you to be so hyperactive — after all, you’re on vacation. We only ask that you not stop dead in the middle of the sidewalk (see No. 5, above). If you must caucus with your fellow touristi, please move to the side so we can get past you.

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