Stopping Before the Spiral
I know the Serenity Prayer but sometimes I get stuck on things that maybe I can change. And when that still doesn’t work, I have to force myself to stop, retreat, and move on lest I sink into a self-feeding cycle of rage or self-deprecation.
Today it was computer stuff, which I’m usually pretty good at, and what I don’t know, I can research. But some things are beyond me, mostly due to the fact that the race towards “user friendly” led to a lot of home operating systems hiding error messages in system logs beneath layers of folders. So when something goes wrong that I can’t fix, I usually chalk it up to being outside of my knowledge or control.
But when the “something wrong” should be well within my wheelhouse to fix? I get stuck. I must know how to fix this. I do it all the time, it’s so easy, right? (The fact that I even start thinking those phrases should be the first sign that I’m out of my depth.)
A new game that I requested a key for has a deadline for coverage and I hadn’t gotten to stream it yet. I installed it, but never ran it to confirm it’s ok. It’s not. And after assuring myself that I was doing all I could, I was still ready to bang my head against the wall and realized that I needed to walk away from it.
Literally, I took a walk. I won’t say that there’s no shame in defeat, but admitting that I’ve put all my resources into something that, in the end, isn’t truly worth the stress? That feels healthy enough. And today it’s truly gorgeous outside, so in the words of… me: Photosynthesize me, Daddy.
I won’t lie, those first few blocks were more stomping than stepping, but I had to let it go, y’know? Otherwise, I still would have stopped working on it, but I would have been upset with myself all day and I don’t need to go into the weekend with that kind of energy. So I picked a theme for the walk and it was tulips.
It’s properly Spring weather now, so there wasn’t a problem finding any. My main problem was getting them on the same side of the street as I was because I only stop briefly for photos when I’m on a walk to keep my pace up.
So back home now, a few miles to show for it, cool shower and with the screen door open to air out the apartment. (I should probably get my allergy eye drops in, too.) I might try a stream later just to make sure I haven’t messed anything else on my system up. And again, if I have, that’s a forced break for me. Not being able to stream isn’t the end of the world–I tell myself through gritted teeth.
The weekend ahead is looking good, I’ve planned a brunch and museum outing with a friend to see James Baldwin and the Voices of Queer Resistance at the National Portrait Gallery, and I’ll have my morning streams plus perhaps a little more apartment clean-up. Or I might take myself out for second brunch on Sunday. Am I finally embracing my inner Hobbit?
“If you were to gather up all the water in a cloud it would weigh over a million pounds.”
She searched my face for the answer to some unspoken question. Then smiled and said, “Tell me more.”
from Thom Simonson’s, The Weight of the Water
And lastly, a little boost to a friend who recently posted a new short story to his site. Thom Simonson, The Weight of the Water, about the beginnings of a romance, the realization of love, and the joys of paying it forward. If you like it, pop by his Bluesky account and let him know. It turns out, artists really like it when you tell them you like their work.
The weather seems to be holding steady and warm for the next week, so hopefully there will be a little more venturing out and about, but like I mentioned up above, I can’t change the weather–unless I’m playing Storm in Marvel Rivals–so whatever happens, happens! Regardless I hope it’s a good one for all of us. 💖
