10 Rules for Riding the D.C. Metro

From, The Purple Essentials, Monday, February 03, 2003

Monday Commute Blog:
10 Rules for Riding the D.C. Metro

1. Riding the Metro escalator is like driving: the left side is the passing lane. If you are too lazy to walk up (and in some cases, walk down) the escalator, please stand to the right. If you block the left lane and someone (like ME) trying to pass you says, “Excuse me,” please don’t pretend like you’ve suddenly gone deaf. You know you heard me.

2. The purpose of the poles in the aisles of the trains is to allow many standing Metro riders to hold on for balance. They are not stripper poles. Therefore, please refrain from leaning your entire body (especially your ass) against them. That would be my hand your mushy left buttock is crushing, thanks.

3. Don’t sneeze into your hand and then place your hand back on the pole. If you don’t have a tissue, pretend to search for something in your pocket and discreetly wipe the mucus from your palm into the inner lining. Keep it there.

4. Bathe. More specifically, bathe using soap and water, not cologne.

5. There are two types of Metro cards: paper and plastic. All the cool kids use the plastic cards. Oddly, of the three machines that allow you to purchase a paper Metro card, only one of those machines allows you to add money to a plastic Metro card. If you insist on purchasing the annoying paper cards and all three machines are open, please do not use the only machine that allows you to add money to a plastic card. If you do, have the decency to apologize to the five plastic card holders now glaring at the back of your head as they are forced to wait in line behind you.

6. Don’t look over my shoulder to see what I’m reading. Bring your own damn book.

7. On occasion, people must pack themselves into the trains like sardines. However, don’t take advantage of this opportunity to “accidentally” cop a feel. If you do, I might “accidentally” kick you in the nuts.

8. When the train is crowded, don’t say, “Wow, the train sure is crowded!”

9. The GREEN arrow sign means that exit is available. A RED line sign means that exit is NOT available. If you memorize these two facts, you won’t find yourself staring dumbly at an unavailable exit, announcing (to no one in particular), “But it won’t take my card!”

10. Please be fully clothed when riding the Metro. I never thought I’d have to say that, but that was before one winter when I encountered a crazy woman on the Metro who was naked from the waist down. Ew.