weighted down

I don’t know if I have any more saltwater in my body at this point. Having a copy of “The Hours” to watch didn’t really help either. But it’s really just a convenient excuse for my feelings. I sent Christopher flowers. I want to respect his wishes to give him time to contact me, but I can’t help it. I don’t know how much I’m ready for, but I know that I’m not ready to have him out of my life. I think about him constantly, I start crying at the drop of a hat.

I’m trying to put on a nice face for people, but it’s fading quickly. We had the book discussion here last night and I barely made it through the night. I just retreated to the kitchen to do chores as people were milling about to leave.

I feel weighted down.