Ah, le mot juste..
Mass Transit Dungeons & Dragons
from Worth 1000.com’s archives of The Satyr
By JaxomLOTUS @ 5/16/2001 EST
Occasionally there comes a time in everyone’s life when we have to turn off EverQuest (and other role-playing games) and get on the bus to work. But that doesn’t mean that mass transit can’t be fun! Following this step-by-step guide you’ll turn your early morning commute into your favorite role-playing adventure of the day!
STEP 1: PLAYER CLASSES
There are many types of commuters to choose from and even more that you will run into in the exciting world of Mass Transit.
Here we will summarize just a few of those, along with some other vital information to help you navigate the world of Mass Transit.
This character suffers from a genetic
condition whereby if they do not infect their brain waves with radiation every 10 seconds, they will die. The condition becomes particularly acute on packed buses and can only be remedied by a raised voice.
Powers: Waking up the whole damn bus with their chirpy damn discussions on how they can’t believe that damn Rachel from damn ‘Friends’ is pregnant.
Known Allies: OHMYGOSHBENYOURSOCUTE!!! OHMYGOSHLISAYOURSOFUNNEEEEE!!!! OHMYGOSHMOMITOTALLYHATEDIT!!!!
Known Enemies: Anyone holding a blunt object within a one foot radius. Tunnels.
Headbopping Music Teen Vampires
One of the weaker figures in the mass transit role-playing universe, head bopping music teen vampire is easily identifiable by tattooed pagan symbols, black attire and curiously bopping head. When equipped with a music machine, character should be handled with care as head bop gyrations may increase.
Powers: Powerful head bop. Zits.
Known Allies: Napster. Batteries.
Known Enemies: Metal poles. Low ceilings.
Scowling Suited Knights
The scowling suited knight wears Armani protection and can tell time with his magic Rolexes. Scowling suited knight has not had his coffee elixir yet and has much more of a right to the handrail than you do, so do you think you could move the @#$% over a bit, @#$hole?
Powers: That shirt is imported silk you little @#$%2
Known Allies: God, what a !#@$head!
Known Enemies: @#$hole.
Fattyfatfat McFat Ogres
Similar to the cellphone sorcerer, this character requires a constant intake of cookie dough, bottled fat turds and other assorted amenities every 10 seconds in order to live. Extreme cases will come with their own IV tubes for broadband access to food. It is considered a sign of respect if they spray crumbs on you while asking you to move to the floor because they are feeling squished.
Powers: Food consumption. Drink consumption. Multiple seat consumption.
Known Allies: McDonalds, Burger King, Wendies, Applebees, Haagen Daaz, Ben & Jerry’s, Carvel, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Taco Bell, Checker’s Chickens, Perdue, Ken’s Steak House, Sizzler, Red Lobster, Popeyes, Pizza Hut, Uncle Ben, Subway, Aunt Jamima, Salt, Pepper, Aquariums.
Known Enemies: Austin Powers.
Yo Homies Guild
Although composed of many individuals, this guild looks and operates as a single unit and therefore can be controlled as a single character. Clad in torn, loose army garb and nylon stocking head covers, this guild is easily identifiable by sharing Mr. T’s taste in jewelry and my little sister’s taste in baby bonnets. Approach with caution.
Powers: Basketball. Wierd finger formations.
Known Allies: East Coast. Whuzuuuuup.
Known Enemies: West Coast. Whuzuuuuup.
Perfume Drenched Elves
Not much is known about these characters, as all who have been forced to sit next to one have died of asphyxiation.
Powers: Creation of air-vacuums spanning a 2-mile radius.
Known Allies: I’d presume male moths following mating scents.
Known Enemies: Jealous female moths.
STEP 2: SURVIVAL TIPS
One cannot simply walk around the vast world of Mass Transit and expect to survive without interacting and befriending other players. Here are some tips and cheats to speed you through the game:
* Other mass transit players carry various loot and a real-life version of mana, called “money.” Wait until their backs are turned towards you and then rip off their shoulder inventories.
* If you pretend to be disabled you will get priority seating on buses.
* Marking fellow passengers with paint means they are automatically members of your guild. This is easiest to do when they are sleeping.
* In addition to guarding you from the elements, magic umbrellas also double as Goth-beaters.
* It is easiest to attack newer characters with less experience points (i.e. children).
STEP 3: DISCONNECTING
Stepping off your subway haven and abandoning your guild is not easy, especially since it’s a world where the looting is plentiful and the graphics are hyper-realistic. But have no fear: You’re about to enter the even more intense role playing world of Boss Suckup, inhabited by Secretary Slut Nymphs dying for a raise, Associate Trolls bidding for your position and other exciting characters!
More on that next week…