surplus to my own life

Lake at Tarara Winery uploaded by flickrite urbanbohemian.

Aside from the company picnic this weekend, it was dreadfully slow for me… Sometimes this is a good thing, this weekend it didn’t really feel like it. I’m still getting over being sick, perhaps because I haven’t been taking care of myself as I should with lots of rest and fluids, but rest and fluids is BORING. With one or two exceptions, I really felt off-the-map this weekend. I did have a good time with Jenifer out in Leesburg, and chatted on the phone with Michael and Rob, but didn’t do anything else beyond that Fri-Sun.

Quite a few things were contributing to the “surplus” feeling, it reminded me of living in Alexandria and my best (at the time) buddy Shawn. I wouldn’t call him a total narcissist, but his “all about me” levels were pretty high. We did things he wanted, always hung out at his place, if I had any unique contributions they were his to tell others about. He said he read my journal to keep up on things, then when later pressed about how he’d missed something he confessed, “Well I really only read it to see my name.” I soon realized that he’d be better off as a drinking buddy… provided we’re drinking at separate bars.

I was thinking about my birthday party, it was a wonderful time and I was, honestly, thrilled beyond being able to express in words at all the people that wanted to share it with me. It was my wish that this might make some steps towards getting to know more of them better and hanging out more often. That was just shy of a month ago and since that weekend I’ve seen/heard from about 3 or 4 people to do something, not counting events that we would already be attending (other people’s parties, standing plans, etc). Some of that is my fault, and I am starting to drag myself out of the pit of self-pity enough to be proactive about it. But I do wonder if some people came to see me or came because of who else was/wasn’t invited, I certainly didn’t want for it to be a “buy me stuff” type of birthday. I remember saying to a few people “We need to go do _____ together,” or perhaps those are drunken invented memories. I’ve gotten out of the habit of posting the standard LJ: Does anyone want to do anything this evening/weekend? … Bueller? … Bueller? – because it rarely gets a response, but I don’t feel that I am in sync enough with other people to know when they’re free, when they’re not, who works on the weekends, who has fitness obligations in the mornings, who’s out of town and who else might be sitting around the house with nothing to do, like me. I really need to get on the phone tree (or perhaps the Why haven’t I gotten to know/tried to sleep with him yet? tree). I don’t mind doing things on my own, but some things are just more fun with other people, going out to new restaurants, going dancing, going shopping telling yourself you’re going to browse and coming home with bags full of stuff regardless.

Additionally, it would be nice that people do what they say they’ll do, and have no need to be catered to or coddled to make these things happen. I admit I am guilty of forgetting a thing here or there, but when two people are discussing something, one of them has to remember, otherwise maybe it just wasn’t that important. In this same vein, the nice young man I had tea and conversation with failed to respond to either voice mail or e-mail, after being the one to suggest that we get in touch, so I’m not sure if he should be written off. First I think that he should be given the benefit of the doubt, then I think that I’m too nice about it, then I get pissed off about being too nice, then I get pissed off about the lack of contact, and by then I’m just generally pissed off. I am most certainly not calling him again as I might have in the past to do the whole “Haven’t heard from you, just catching up” thing, I’ve learned that lesson many times over from Jake. There is a small pocket of dissent in the pessimistic chorus saying that perhaps he’s busy and will get back to me, but I don’t feel like expending the energy to give it much thought beyond that.

Writing this out already makes me feel a little better, I took a hot bath, purple, thanks to birthday gift of bubble bath confetti from Hugh, last night and that helped as well, except that I think I need a bath pillow or something since convincing my landlord to put in a larger (longer) tub is probably out of the question. After my bath was the final nail in the coffin of my weekend, this guy, let’s call him… this guy — he sends me an IM “r u still up?” “i have a ? 4 u.” (Note: this guy is a TEACHER) Long and short, he was answering personal ads and wanted me to tell him how I would describe him. Now I have seen this person perhaps once in the past year to get together for a cuddle, it would have been twice but he bailed because he couldn’t find a parking space (really makes a guy feel wanted). I didn’t have the heart to tell him that he wasn’t really holding a spot in the Hot or Not? of my memory, so I maintained polite responses that still put forth the sentiment, “You are on your own, kemosabe,” and went to bed. But I was thoroughly annoyed and the feeling of being a minor character in someone else’s screenplay came right back, but considering the source, it’d be one of those movies where everyone else in the cast/crew would win an Oscar and the star would get knocked out by “Porky’s V: The Next Generation” star Ryan Reynolds.

Bowling tonight.. not necessarily looking forward to it, but will save comments until after the 4th week’s done. This league has a very different dynamic from our last one, it’s nice that its earlier but there aren’t many other things in the “pro” column just yet.

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6 Responses

  1. Lindsay says:

    It’s hard when you get to our age and you realize that you don’t have a family, tribe, posse, whatever you want to call it, a network based on mutual trust and need.

    it’s a good thing I don’t live closer or you’d have me bugging you all weekend, saying “whatcha doin’?”

  2. Brian says:

    Well what I’m finding is a pseudo-posse, the people that you think you have a lot in common with and are part of your extended family, but you realize you only see at places or parties with other people, rarely getting together on your own.

  3. Esprix says:

    Have you thought about getting involved in more social groups besides bowling?

  4. Jason says:

    Uh, I’m lost…

  5. Brian says:

    You’ll have to be a little bit more specific than that, J. A lot of this is venting, but it’s mostly, when one person has a lot of friends, and those people also call themselves that person’s friends, why they seem so hard to keep in touch with.

  6. Jason says:

    Sorry, I replied to the wrong post, but I’ll roll with this one. I feel your pain man. I’m currently going through a reinvention of myself and who are my “true” friends. I find with this, comes the lacking of a large group of friends. I think I have about 6 or 10 people I associate with that word anymore (friend). It doesn’t bother me because those few keep me rather busy. In the future, you have my email and number and I’m always up for whatever. I’m not particular.

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