I’m Not Competing With Anyone…
…am I? I truly want everyone to win. In a recent walking video, I said I was taking it easy because I wasn’t racing anyone, and I wasn’t even competing against my own walking times. I’m just doing my thing.
Things haven’t been great lately. Personally, I’m dealing with some heavy stuff. Professionally, I’m dealing with some heavy stuff. Neither of those I talk a lot about because it isn’t anyone’s business, and there isn’t anything the general public can do about it. Creatively, however, I’m more just dealing with the mundane stuff: impostor syndrome, mostly.
Except, like my walking video, who am I competing with? Who made this a competition in the first place? From the realm of data, views, engagement, etc. it seems easy to say “The platforms did.” Which, sure, I guess. I’ve talked before about being content vs. creating content, just doing the things I like that make me happy. And if those things vibe with other people, all the better.
But it’s still hard to look around in my chosen creative fields and feel like I’ve slowed down. Not quite stagnant, but when it comes to streaming and TTRPG/Actual Play, it can feel like, “If I’m not in anything or doing something all the time, will people forget I exist in this space?” And those thoughts are loud.
Admittedly, there are some conversations right now in the TTRPG space that, sadly, let me know that people you think have “made it” are still dealing with the worst bullshit imaginable, even at a professional level where there should be more protections in place, but people will always be people. (For the record: it isn’t “drama,” it’s real people choosing to cause harm and shut talented people out from professional opportunities because of power trips.)
But this is my blog, so back to me and my feelings. I recently let “the numbers” get to me. Doing some long-term views of my streaming statistics, I saw that I’ve hit a plateau. It’s not a bad one, but there’s no real evidence of “growth”. I had a similar feeling when looking at recent TTRPG-related projects (both announced and as yet, unannounced) and there weren’t nearly as many for this year as I’d done by this time last year.
Some of both of the above is me being healthy, taking breaks, not saying yes to everything, which is a good thing, overall. But then those thoughts creep in again and I feel like I have to hustle to get involved in things. PAX Unplugged at the end of the year is usually the main driver for that, and now that we’re about 4 months away the loop of intrusive self-deprecation starts, “Will I be doing anything there? Will I be on panels? Will there be an actual play opportunity? Why should anyone ask me, anyway? Compared to X, Y, and Z, who even am I?”
I should be able to enjoy PAX Unplugged as a small work-cation where I get to see friends, take time off for a weekend, enjoy laughs, hugs, conversations and cocktails. But as someone who has never really been a convention person, if I’m not going for a purpose, there are a lot of other ways I could spend the travel, lodging and sundries money, y’know? So I do hope to achieve some kind of net positive while there. Even if it’s just new social media viewers/followers, or a contact information exchange on a maybe future, “Let’s talk about working together.”
If you’re reading this from social media, it’s not fishing for anyone to tell me how great I am. I mean… I won’t stop you, but most of the time, I know I’m great. But it’s really hard not to ask, “How great am I?” Less in an ego inflating way, but more of, what names in the space are also thought of when people think of me?
I know the irony of saying, “It’s not a competition,” while also trying to figure out who’s in the same league as me, but part of wanting everyone to win is knowing who I might think of in terms of, “We should work together,” or “I should see what I can learn from this or that person.” I don’t want to hitch my wagon to someone else’s star, I want to know how we can turn both of our wagons into starships.
People say, “A rising tide lifts all boats,” a lot. But what we usually see is that the people saying it are the ones who position their boats to float the highest regardless. So I don’t know what “everyone winning” looks like, but it feels like a better goal to strive for than just coming out on top.
So while first and foremost I’m rooting for everybody black, I’m also rooting for everybody! I just have to remember that “everybody” includes myself. 💖
