Stray Thoughts: …it’s like quicksand
I’m in a better mood now than when I started the outline for this entry, but the feelings still remain. Just thoughts about feeling stuck, with no real way to escape or get out. Not like a rut, worse than a rut, actually. At least a rut has the veneer of routine. It might be boring, but it’s not always a bad boring. Shaking up your routine feels refreshing, like adding fresh citrus to your water.
This is a different kind of stuck because it feels like it’s the long and slow result of external forces all leading up and culminating in the now. I tried to break down exactly what I feel I’ve “lost” and why. Some things are longstanding results of the pandemic, some things are about more recent local developments and there’s a bit of overlap.
Not Going Out
A week or so ago, at brunch with a friend I mentioned that the exercise efforts are starting to pay off again and the weight is slowly dropping. But not as fast as when I used to go out dancing. Regardless of drinking or not, it was at least a few hours of cardio and feeling the good vibes.
The pandemic obviously changed all that, but now that we’re in a better post-vaccination and mostly more-precautions place, I haven’t been back out. A big reason for that is that there was a massive drop-off in local “friends” during the pandemic. To be fair, they were more acquaintances or bar friends. I’ve mentioned that much before. So going out now is akin to that lyric in How Soon is Now?
So you go and you stand on your own / And you leave on your own
And you go home and you cry / And you want to die
Ok, it’s not THAT bad, but it isn’t a great feeling and hard to get energized to get dolled up to go out alone. I might see people I know there, I might not. I’m generally not of the body and/or age type that’s going to get attention and randomly meet new people in a bar kind of situation.
And more recently, in case you haven’t seen the news, our city is freakin’ occupied by multiple groups of law enforcement. More than the usual number, even. I won’t lie, I absolutely feel stress about going out and being a queer person of color on my own with roaming groups of “police” who have been sent here to intimidate the city and the nation.
I used to think nothing of riding the bus or walking down to a bar and taking a bus or Uber home at 1 or 2 in the morning, but now? I dunno. The vibes are off. And that sucks. 😒
Loneliness
This is technically nothing new for me. I am a lonely person. I live alone, I don’t have local friends I see every day, and like any good city dweller I have no idea who my neighbors are. I am more likely to recognize the servers and staff at the local shops and restaurants than I am the person who lives across the hall.
I have a partner, but we live in separate cities, so it’s a special trip for us to spend time together. My best friend, I generally see once a week when we get together on the weekend to catch up, or possibly a special extra day to go see a movie or special event. And I already talked about the acquaintances, none of whom I’ve seen face to face since 2020 unless it was by accident. An awkward passing on the street or in the grocery store line. You smile, you wave, you say “How’s it going?” and that’s about it.
I interact with people–friends and co-workers–online daily, and that’s nice, but it’s not quite the same thing as human contact. It’s a good thing I was already extremely skeptical about AI because the horror stories about chatbots have kept me well away from them. Which is good, but also sucks because I have considered them more times than I’d like to admit. Not the ones that are constantly advertised to me on Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook or other web ads, and not a “therapist” but just something to talk to.
Thankfully, I think better of it and make good choices. I am trying to encourage myself to head out more, be around more people on a regular basis. Maybe even make friends? I’ve heard that’s a thing people can do. Read about it in books and seen it on TV and all. 😏
Daily Routine
As I said, it’s not quite a rut, and it’s not really all that bad, but it’s extremely routine.
- get up
- go for a walk
- have coffee
- work
- eat lunch
- work
- relax (sounds fake, but ok)
- eat dinner
- get sad (about the state of … everything)
- go to bed
That’s pretty much every weekday with a little variety to go grocery shopping, or adding in Twitch streams and friend time on the weekend. There’s nothing wrong with a good habitual routine… except when it starts to feel too much so. And that’s the part that’s catching up with me.
I’m sure that I’ll do a bit more as the season changes, it will be nicer to be outside. And my birthday is next month, so if there’s ever a time to try shaking things up, it’s then.
I wish I were kidding about that “get sad” part. But it’s getting to be like clockwork, which is the real problem. I’m trying to put a moratorium on reading the news after 8 or 9pm, and an additional moratorium on believing any thoughts related to my self-worth or self-esteem after 9pm and instead using that time to brush my teeth and purposely watch silly videos online.
I just need a change or two. “Just a little something to break the monotony,” as the song says. However, I don’t want that change to be more police, more horribly unqualified Democratic candidates popping up, more attempts to erase or rewrite history, and even more freedoms removed.
Considering how 2025 is going, it’s a lot to ask, I know. For now, I will try to reflect on the relative safety and comfort of my routine, but I might also start poking at it. Because it’s hard not to mourn the life so many of us were supposed to have now, in an alternate world where we took a pandemic seriously, and a country where while people voted for the future they wanted, it didn’t have to fight against an outdated system that prioritizes some votes over others.
See? There’s that getting sad (and a little bit angry) part again.
Which means it’s time to wrap this up and go see what new anime episode I haven’t watched, or pick back up where I was reading, or catch up on this week’s Star Trek. Actually definitely that last one because I’m a few episodes behind.
But as it always has, writing things out helps. It’s not meant as an attention-seeking cry for help, but maybe just a peek behind the mask every now and again. I know others are also going through it, so perhaps there’s some solidarity, you’re not alone, other folks out here can relate to what you’re going through. Things aren’t great right now, but I still hold onto perhaps the barest bits of hope that we’ll pull through. 💖
