lonely

Well, yeah, while Shawn’s parents are in town, he’s hanging out with them, and since I won’t allow myself to have anything to do with Michael or Adam right now that doesn’t leave anyone else. I tried calling Thomas but he’s busy all this weekend. I know it would be nice to have more friends, but it’s not easy to just make friends. Especially in the gay subculture. Guys aren’t interested in being friends until after they’ve assessed your potential for a fuck. And generally, they’re not looking for any new friends anyway. Most of the time you make friends through who you’re dating, and I mean it’s not impossible to just make friends. Shawn’s an example of that, he sort of “made the cut” after I had to cut through the online guys that weren’t really friends as much as they were acquaintances. If they saw you in the bars or around DuPont or in the mall, they’d say hello and give you that false friendly hug, but otherwise you probably never see them outside of those arenas.

Last night I was so at a loss for what to do I had to argue with myself the implications of calling either Michael or Adam and asking them over. Then I realized the implications of that would just plain be bad. What’s the point of doing the right thing if it always leaves you single and alone? Even Darian was, once again, being playful in IMs. He’s about to earn a ‘tease’ label since he talks a good game, but that’s about all he does. I’d need some friends’ fingers to count the times he’s said he wants to come over, or that he *is* coming over, and nothing ever comes of it. Probably for the best anyway, ex’s should remain as such and that’s all there is to it.

And I really need to stop lurking around on AOL. Most of the guys there are so hung up on this “Masculine” shit it’s ridiculous. They wear “straight-acting” as if it’s a badge of honor that no one can tell they’re gay. And we wonder why we have problems with acceptance when most of our community is trying to hide? So anyway, I’ll sit online and occasionally say hello to someone, share some really superficial conversation and then they either go offline without saying bye (or place me on a block list), or ignore me and what can ya do? I don’t want to rally behind the “Men are Scum” banner, but its getting harder to believe they aren’t, when I see the married guys, the “partnered but playful” guys, the barebackers, and the like actually DEFENDING themselves to other people online, as if it’s perfectly normal. For instance, in one room a married man was complaining because he fucked some guy and then the guy started stalking him and was calling his house. He was freaked out ‘cos his wife might find out. Yet didn’t seem to see that if he hadn’t been stepping out on his wife in the first place he wouldn’t be in the trouble. Just plain stupid.

So what’s the result? I’m still single in a world that seems ever encouraging of lasting relationships while dealing with a populace that seems to hold the opposite view. I mean I love sex as much as the next person, I’m just tired of constantly having to look for the next person. I know Mr. Right isn’t just going to drop into my lap, which is why I want more friends that I can just hang out with, no pressure, just have a good time and do things. I mean hell, I almost look forward to coming into the office on the weekend ‘cos it gives me a chance to get out of the house and GO somewhere.

Oh well, nearly time to go home. Maybe play some more games.

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