neutral territory

This being friends thing is hard as hell. I had a good time out with Christopher tonight but it wasn’t easy to act “normal” whatever that means.. to be that close to him but feel like something really precious was gone. I even asked about the 6 Flags trip, already knowing that he’d probably chosen someone else to go with him, even suspecting who he’d asked. So why did I ask? Self-inflicted torture, I guess.

I just don’t know how to act around him. It’s not really painful, just confusing. He calls me “baby” in IMs and I don’t know how to interpret that. Though I do know how it makes me feel. I see his smile, his laugh and it just makes me wish I could turn back the clock and express the feelings then, that I realize I have now.

I opted to go out, since that was neutral territory, the alternative was to stay here and watch a movie and I don’t know, that might have been too much for me.. or for him.. I don’t know.

I was serious when I asked him for a second chance, I just don’t know how to feel him out in the meantime. I can tell I’m on auto-pilot. He asks if I’m having fun, I say “sure”, not yes or no. To quote Morrissey, “He knows I’d like to see him.” I don’t know if he knows what’s going on behind the scenes though he probably does. And even so, I’m good at keeping that under wraps, especially when I could end up getting hurt.

Lindsay asked me some questions the other day, and after I’d answered them she said, “Yeah, you love him.” I feel like I’m caught between being respectful of his limits and not expressing what’s really going on in my head and my heart.

I drank too much tonight though. I haven’t had a cocktail since… I guess it was the wine I had when I made him dinner.

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