cynical days

… cynical days …

I’m struck with a lack of desire to write lately. Most days just feel like I’m going through the motions, even if I did have a fairly active holday through weekend. More than anything else there’s this feeling of lonliness that pervades everything. I don’t really recall what I did on Wednesday, which the moment I typed it, I realized what happened on Wednesday which is likely why I push it out of my mind. I worked a short day, headed home, chatted with friends online, called Jake and got the news, then went bowling and had a fairly bad night, aside from one really good game (165) ‘cos the other team were making me mad by mouthing off a little too much. Otherwise I was in a funk that night went home and stayed up way too late ‘cos I didn’t feel like there was any point in going to bed on a holiday night, even if I didnt have any plans.

Thursday wasn’t bad though, Sean came over in the afternoon for some bowling, then .. oh wait, I’ve gone over this already. Except that Thursday, really was one of the good days. I hung out with friends, despite myself, and had a good time. Peter, Rob and Sean are genuinely good people, something I miss having in my life. Just being able to hang out with people that don’t want anything from you and aren’t too busy with their own hangups to include you in their lives. Peter & Rob are also a very loving couple, so their energy is uplifting at times, plus oddly enough I’ve always seemed to get along well with a couple’s dynamic. I don’t know why. We had dinner at a really good Turkish place in Adams Morgan with the cutest waiter and some really good kebabs (kabobs?), and as previously stated, we missed the fireworks, but I got ice cream instead.

Friday I had to work a 1/2 day and had standing plans to hang out with Michael that I guess I haven’t seen in months ‘cos he usually calls me up when he’s going out and I’ve been avoiding going out for a while, but we decided to give it a go anyway. We had dinner at a good Mexican place in Dupont, with the city’s best margeritas, or so they say. I will admit, they were pretty good. And I probably had more than I should have, a point I’ll return to in a moment. Then we just walked and sat around, it was a really nice night, a definite break from the oppressive heat we’d been having, and I was looking pretty good, so I didn’t mind being seen. Then we headed to Michael’s usual Dupont haunts, The Fireplace and Omega. It wasn’t bad and pretty low key which is a good thing for me, some cute guys to look at, others to avoid and I had a few drinks… again, more than I should have. Even though I rode the metro in and it was probably enough time for me to get home, Michael drove me back to my car, he’s not a drinker so he was perfectly fine. I on the other hand, was not perfectly fine, but didn’t realize this until I’d driven the short distance home, wobbled back to my apartment and was undressed for bed. About 10 minutes into trying to sleep I realized that the evening’s drinking was about to come back, with a vengeance. So after some lovely yakkin’ in the bathroom for a while, I made a note to myself to remember that perhaps my drinking tolerance is slightly altered having lost over 30 pounds in 6 months. It’s amazing how much better one sleeps after expelling alcohol from the system… by any means necessary.

Saturday, Michael and I headed downtown to see the Folklife festival at the Smithsonian, which was HUGE (pictures forthcoming). The entire mall filled with exhibits and presentations from all over the Silk Road. We mainly wandered around, looking and snapping photos and ogling wares that I wish I could afford. Since Sean was headed down there with a friend of his, the 4 of us connected at one point, did some browsing and then walked to eat lunch. After the worst service I’ve ever had at a TGI-Friday’s we parted ways at the metro station. To be kind, Michael called me later to see how I was doing after that morning’s vomit-palooza, and we chatted for a while more with that “I wanna do something, but I wanna stay in” kinda mentality. So the night was spent alone watching PBS and falling asleep on the couch. The epitome of bachelorhood.

And to round out the weekend, Sunday was a good day for the most part. I got a surprise phone call from my bowling partner that he wanted to practice that morning, which usually doesn’t happen ‘cos he parties hard on Saturday night, but apparently he’s fighting with his roommate/boyfriend/whatever and he was told to pack his things and get out. So he needed to not be home for a while. We bowled and talked. I hope things are ok, and I had sympathy for him, but I can’t truly feel bad due to knowing about the situation from other such incidents and when one is in a bad situation, bad things happen. Went to see Men In Black 2 with the Sci Fi group and that was fun, the movie was.. *eh* And afterwards I ate way too much for dinner. And such comprised my weekend. Not too much time alone to lament my situation, but still hard not to think about it.