Whatever! Wednesday

And she didn’t come in today, either.

I’m sure that comes as a shock to absolutely no one. For a while today I suffered a temporary disconnect between my brain and the rest of my body and my answer to everything was an apathetic, “Whatever!” Team member resigns without cleaning up their remaining tasks? Team member wants to extend a 1-week vacation to 2-weeks? Team is shrinking to where each member will have to do the work of 2-3 people? Whatever!

So many things about this place are making me angry, stressed, depressed, etc. I’d love to just quit and move on but I remember what it was like when I got laid off from the EPA, I was lucky that I never took any vacation because I got a really nice payout, but it was almost completely dried up after a month or so when I got this job. It’s one thing when one or two people leave around the same time you’re having layoffs and you’re told that their positions won’t be replaced, but it’s quite another when the 4th person leaves and you’re hearing the same ol’ song.

Daily Trevails:

• I can’t eat until I can’t not eat. I have zero appetite most of the time until my body gets to that dire point where I’ll eat anything and everything in sight. I looked at a photo of me a few years ago while living in Alexandria and I can’t imagine how I was ever so thin, but I know it’s not from binge eating like I have been lately.
• I haven’t taken a vacation in almost a year. I dunno, I guess it’s my work ethic, but I feel like I can’t leave here because there’d be no one here who can do the work and knows what’s going on well enough to keep things moving. I really miss the annual beach trip, but I can only assume that’s no longer happening. I have a good lead on a beach place, but I’m crap at organizing a trip and going on my own just feels pathetic.
• I’m tired of going it alone. Aside from not being slim, I feel much like I did living in Alexandria when I had nearly no friends, a long-ass commute to a job that was semi-decent, and I’d come home to a huge empty apartment. I’d cook something for myself, or go out to eat on my own and deal with other tables staring at me, or the service treating me like shit because I was alone. It’s much the same in DC, except eating out isn’t as bad, but I won’t go to a bar by myself because that really feels pathetic.
• Friends have either different schedules than I do — or just plain fuller schedules than me — and they live far enough away (yes, even in DC there’s such a thing as far) that it must sometimes feel like a major undertaking to get home from work and head back out. I know that feeling very well, and getting out of work even earlier lately, I have to fight the urge even more strongly to just stay at home in my PJs and order take out. Now I’m back to heading to a job that I don’t even care that much for every day, coming home to an empty place. No one to ask “how was your day,” no one calling up to grab a drink or a bite to eat. I’m in virtual touch with most people, but unless it’s like Pride or something, I rarely see them face to face anymore.
• I don’t even know what’s going on with my love life, if it can even be called that. No real prospects, just people from my past crawling out of the woodwork and presenting that nebulous “friend” region where you do do things that could be interpreted as dating, but the fact that you have a great friendship is constantly reinforced, all the while they’re telling you how attractive/cute/sexy/hot you are. I’ve said it before, men must be wired to give off mixed signals.

I need to get hammered, nailed and/or screwed. Preferably the first… in the company of good people that will clear a path to the toilet and hold back my shaved hair when I need to puke.