passion and drive
I often toss around certain ages at which people should be able to do things, or recognize that its time to not do things anymore. Like when to stop making “cute” answering machine messages and the like. What’s never occurred to me is when are you old enough to really handle an adult relationship? At which point will I or did I gain the ability to know when I have a good thing and keep it rather than fucking it up? My track record would show that I haven’t yet reached it, or if I have that I sure as hell don’t know it.
Christopher is very special, but he told me (quite justifiably) that I am not providing him with what he needs, namely passion and drive, as well as other things too. But saying it out loud made me think about it. Am I just scared, has it really been so long since I had someone feel this way about me that I’m running away from it or deliberately placing roadblocks? Have I relegated myself to just being able to give advice about relationships and dating and being completely unable to make it work on my own? I’d like to think not, but the facts do speak for themselves. To be honest, when I pull back from things, I’m realizing that I’m acting just like Joe did when we were together and it horrifies me to think that I might be just going through the motions. Because it wasn’t fair to me then, and its certainly not fair to Christopher now.
There are times, I think, that once a large problem has been brought out into the open, that there’s no way to forget about it or truly get past it. I hope that’s not the case this time.