fine

That’s how I always say I am, when someone asks “How are you?” or some similar question, ‘cos in my heart I know most people are asking to be polite. And honestly if I were to tell them the truth, they might back away slowly.

So I have the lunch/movie date with Tom today. I’m not sure if it will be an actual date or he’s just looking for a pseudo-date before jumping my bones. I really hope the former, since good men really are hard to find. I also had a moment of sympathy for Michael in the shower this morning ‘cos I thought about when I was back in Delaware and dating Aaron Bacue. He and I had a whirlwind romance thing. He told me he loved me after only a few dates. Now I knew I didn’t love him, but I was coming closer to it. Then when I had really strong feelings for him, his exams started (he was a grad student) and he told me he wouldn’t have much time to spend with me. I was fine with this, and willing to wait. Then all of a sudden he just said, maybe we shouldn’t see each other. I was devastated, I even wrote him a long letter (actually writing) and mailed it to him, to get the response that he just said things he didn’t mean, etc.

The point is, we tried to go out to dinner once after we broke up. I was terribly sullen, could barely bring myself to say more than a few words and finally while waiting for a table, Aaron finally said, ‘This isn’t going to work, I think you should just take me home.’ So I did, and it hurt like hell every time I saw him around campus the next few weeks. I have to admit, that was a strong argument towards me moving from Delaware, silly as it may sound. So I guess I can understand what Michael is feeling. When you’re around someone you want to be with so bad and they don’t return the same feelings, you really don’t know what to do or say because saying what you feel might only make things worse. So you say nothing, act odd and generally end up making you both uncomfortable, which is what I’m sure both of us felt yesterday. At least I did.

I like Michael, I just don’t want to date him. I’ve probably said that before but it’s true. And I won’t lie about that fact just to make him happy.