It’s all clear to me now

I finally understand how people lost weight eating Lean Pockets! After you make them according to the packet’s directions and give it the recommended time to cool off, plus a little more time for good measure, you start eating it. You do pretty well as you devour the first 1/2, not realizing that the molten core is lying in wait, anticipating the moment that you bite into it, and when you do it causes all the filling that slid downwards from the top from the pressure of biting into the crust to explode!

You’ve got liquid fire in the form of melted cheese on your lips, your fingers, your plate, possibly the floor and if you’re really fortunate, your clothes along with whatever else made up the filling. Thankfully, I was not that fortunate.

But here’s where the weight loss comes in, you are then expected to stick to your guns and NOT eat the escaped filling and cheese! If any fell on the floor, of course you didn’t eat that as you were too busy trying not to howl in pain and in that time the 5-second rule had elapsed. The real test is leaving what fell out on your plate. I totally failed that one. And it’s oh so fun flipping over your iPod or turning to a co-worker to check whether there’s still any cheese stuck in your facial hair.

And of course on the back of the package are stories of encouragement from people that have lost scads of weight eating Lean Pockets! (and in the fine print you notice that not really, it was actually from exercise and a healthy diet) They have the lovely before and after pictures, how much they lost, their favorite flavor and their favorite activity now that they’ve lost the pounds. So far I’ve only seen pictures of women, but the amount lost by the women picked is pretty amazing.

What I’d like to see is some men on the packages, and when it comes time to answer that question about one’s favorite activity since losing the weight… how about just once they print an honest answer?

Seeing my penis.

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